


on my own

by aeonpathy



Series: put the sun in my hands [11]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bittersweet, Light Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Songfic, Unrequited Love, jaemin centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23870941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeonpathy/pseuds/aeonpathy
Summary: at the end of the day, jaemin's the only one who suffers in the dark.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, implied noren - Relationship
Series: put the sun in my hands [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1128143
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48





	on my own

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Seolas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seolas/gifts).



> oops?
> 
> listen to [this](https://youtu.be/VjfmP7h3gBw) as you read <3

it’s a cycle. jaemin thinks that watching your heart slowly shatter before your very own eyes hits a little differently. it feels like pins pricking his skin uncomfortably, and everytime he tries to pull them off his body, his feelings seep out in rivulets, running down his limbs, staining him.

but he doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve. well, he doesn’t think he does.

tonight hurts more than usual. it’s like every other night, having to watch jeno knock on renjun’s front door. jaemin regrets giving jeno renjun’s address, but anything to make jeno happy.

afterall, that’s his best friend. that he unfortunately happens to be in love with.

with dejected eyes, he stops peeking around the corner of the street from where he was watching and walks away. it’s too late to visit anyone, donghyuck’s probably doing homework, chenle’s not even in town, and he doesn’t think jisung’s parents would let him in so late at night.

it feels odd walking home by himself. jeno lives next to him, and not seeing him home, not close to where jaemin wants him, _hurts,_ it hurts knowing that jeno’s not thinking about him in the same way. 

and as he begins his journey back, he breaks. it's dark, the windows in the neighborhood reflecting his silhouette as he walks past them. everyone is sleeping peacefully, unaware of jaemin’s heartache just right outside. 

here, in the pitch black of the night, in the cold that sends chills down to his bones, is where jaemin lets his mind run free. even with the faint drizzle coming down on him and soaking his hoodie, jaemin feels unrestrained. 

he imagines what it would be like, ignoring the tears that run down his cheeks, to have jeno next to him. oh, he imagines, how it'd feel to walk down this very street, with jeno holding his hand, with jeno holding him close and keeping him warm, _jeno this, jeno that._

it’s driving jaemin over the edge, thinking about the two of them like this. he’s selfish, in this very moment, pretending that renjun doesn't exist. he reckons that what renjun doesn't know, what jeno certainly won’t ever know, won't hurt anyone.

it won’t hurt anyone but jaemin.

under his feet, the roads shine dimly, the water mirroring the street lights and the moon, who casts her affection by lighting the way for him. she guides jaemin through the night—wary that he might lose his way living out his dream, oblivious to the world around him. it’s dangerous, jaemin has come to realize how dreaming deeply like this can leave him scarred and damaged.

his heart tears and rips, his mouth becomes taped shut and his words are bitterly swallowed, most of his glances stolen shyly during the day. he is vulnerable in the day, no matter how many walls jaemin haphazardly builds around himself.

that is why the night is so kind to him. no one is there to watch as he sews and stitches his heart back together, how he allows words that threaten to spill be spoken out loud. because those words should never be spoken, no matter how much he wants to say them. not in their presence.

the moon not only guides him, but she also hides him. jaemin is eternally grateful, because he is free outside, not confined to only his room as a place of solace and security. 

the rain only amplifies how bright the stars shine above, like wishes that float prettily in the sky. they are people’s greatest desires and jaemin finds joy in them, although he knows that his star does not sit in the same sky. 

jaemin’s star ceases to exist. loving someone who does not love you back is a slow type of poison. the damage is not instant; it deteriorates the longer you stick around and refuse to be cured.

he yearns for jeno. yearns for everything jeno has to offer, and he eats everything up because he is insatiable and hungers for jeno’s love, even though it’s all platonic. it’s the closest jaemin will ever get.

he loves jeno so greatly, so profoundly, that jaemin sometimes wonders if he’ll drown in his own sorrow. 

“i love him.”

he says it to no one in particular. tests the way it feels on his tongue. his secret is out, and the only witnesses are the moon and the stars. they look down at him with pity and sympathy.

_i love you._

but jeno’s not with him to hear what jaemin wants to tell him. jeno’s with renjun, without a doubt holding him so tenderly, _so dearly,_ that jaemin’s heart begins to sink. it’s hard to stay afloat. 

jeno is blind to jaemin’s inner turmoil. yet, he wants to have hope that there’s a sliver, a narrow light that jeno loves him the same. redamancy is all that jaemin clings onto like a lifeline. 

the world around him becomes familiar. jaemin is nearing home, thus, his thoughts come to an abrupt end. 

the rain has drenched his hoodie and jaemin shivers violently. the tears that had been streaming down his face are no longer recognizable, as they mix and become concealed with the raindrops. jeno’s face disappears, and the warmth and fuzziness that had coursed through his body leave at once.

now that jeno’s no longer there to occupy his head, the world turns harsh—it becomes empty and barren, the terrain sodden and the air is crisp. happiness fades, it oozes and vanishes into nothing. 

jaemin truly loves him. so, so much. 

but he has to come to terms that jeno doesn’t. jeno loves him as a best friend, a neighbor, as one of the people closely treasured in that precious little heart of his. and jaemin has to accept that, even if he doesn’t want to be shackled to _only_ those terms.

even if jaemin breaks, even if he falls inside, barely hanging onto the fantasies he has created in his mind, jeno will keep on shining. jeno will keep living, unaware of the heartbreak he has created. it’s not his fault. it’ll never be jeno’s fault. because jaemin won’t ever blame the fall on him.

jeno will continue to exist happily. perhaps together with renjun. not that jaemin will ever experience the wonders of such a thing.

jaemin’s alone as he walks up to his front door, digging his keys out of his pocket. when he pulls his phone out and presses the power button, he sees five messages from jeno sent from two minutes ago.

jaemin loves jeno. that’s how it’s always been.

_but he loves him only on his own._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> yeah i know majority voted for chapter one of dreams are slow motion but i'm indecisive and i literally wrote this in two hours sooo
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/laoxaichay)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/laoxaichay)


End file.
